Dear Christian Parent
Dear Christian Parent
The internet isn't a playground for kids. After six years of doing work in this field, I'm encouraging the Church to say so.
My Story
When my oldest son was in elementary school at our neighborhood public school I began to realize he was spending a lot of time on a Chromebook. By a lot, I mean a minimum of 2 hours of the 6 1/2 hours he was at school each day. At home, my husband and I felt like we were loosing the screen time battle. We could see, with both of our sons, that when it was time to turn off the TV or stop playing the “educational games” on the iPad, our kids would whine, fuss and complain. But when the TV or iPad was on? Quiet. Calm. Our kids become transfixed. Something about this dichotomy of calm and complaint wasn’t sitting right in my soul. Without success, I had been trying all sorts of things to address the problem (shows as rewards, shows taken away as punishment, etc.).
One day things shifted. I clearly remember standing in the living room and thinking, “If I don’t get a handle on this now, it’s only going to get worse.”
Around that time, a friend posted on social media (yes, the irony is not lost on me), that she had read Victoria Dunckley’s “Reset Your Child’s Brain.” I dove into this book and was shocked by all I was learning. Electronic Screen Syndrome is what Dr. Dunckley calls the state of hyperarousal that can cause symptoms including irritability, poor self-regulation, social immaturity, trouble sleeping, learning difficulties, rapidly changing moods, excessive/age-inappropriate tantrums, tics, seizures, poor executive function and more.
My sons were not experiencing all, or even most, of these symptoms but I could see clearly that the problem wasn’t just my kids. The problem was how their teachers and I were using screen time.
It wasn’t fair for me to ask my kids to change their behavior while continuing to expose them to screens. We needed, as Dr. Dunckley prescribes, a detox. As a parent, this meant that I had to admit that what we were doing wasn’t working. It was time for me to put on my big girl pants and be the adult. So, that’s what our family did: 30 days of no screen time for our sons. The first few days were hard, for all of us. Because my sons were still so young, my husband and I didn’t tell them we were going 30 days without screens. We just told them, “not today.” We stayed busy with other activities and after about a week, the boys stopped asking to watch a show or play an “educational game” on the iPad. Because I knew that my son’s school heavily utilized screen time, I spoke to his teacher about our plan and asked that my son not be offered a tablet during the school day. Independent reading time? Please hand him a book, not a screen. Time for math? Please hand him some blocks or manipulatives, not a tablet. Time for spelling? Give him a pencil and paper. Thankfully, when I spoke with his teacher the response I got was one of support. As my son had less screen time in the classroom, other students did too. Ultimately, the teacher said to me, “It’s like everything they taught us in college was wrong.”
Kids & Screens Resources
A few weeks into our 30 day screen detox, things were going so well I did something I had never done before: I wrote an email to the author thanking her for writing her book. Through that, she connected me with Melanie Hempe, founder of Screen Strong. Melanie’s story is one of pain and struggle met with determination, hope and victory. I am proud to serve as an Ambassador for this organization as we work to build strong families and say no to toxic screen use (smartphones, social media, pornography and video games). Melanie has been in this field for almost a decade and there is not another organization out there that I would recommend more highly than hers.
Around the same time (in 2018), I connected with the Screen Time Action Network at Fairplay and quickly realized there were dozens of experts in the field advocating for a reduction of screen time in the classroom. My passion for this work was now in full swing. Our 30 day detox went so well, we extended it to 45 days and then during the summer we went 60 days screen free.
It has been over six years since our family changed for the better. My sons (now 13 and 10) know I will never buy them a smartphone or allow them social media access. We don’t have internet connected video games in our house, though once or twice a year we’ll go to the local arcade. My sons don’t use Google Chat or have an Alexa. We talk to them about the dangers of pornography and we have a landline phone. Along the way, I’ve met plenty of parents who are fighting the screen time battle in their homes. One thing that has always stood out to me is the parents of older teenagers or young adults who have looked me square in the face and said, “Wait as long as you can until you get your sons a smartphone.” Each time, I see a twinge of pain in their eyes.
In all of my advocacy work, speaking engagements and writing, there is one segment of society that holds my heart though: Parents in the Church. I use the term “the Church” to mean the global collection of believers in Jesus as Messiah. Other faith communities are also talking about screen time and kids, but the Christian Church is the one to which I’ve belonged for over 30 years.
To be fair, there are pastors and teachers speaking and writing thoughtfully about how Christians ought to interact with digital media, but not many of these resources are directed at parents. The books, articles and podcasts that are directed at parents tend to be about how to limit and control digital media, not about how to be set apart from culture. Honestly, the controlling and limiting message isn’t going well. Rates of anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicide have increased for teenagers. I believe that the Church, should have been the first to speak out against screen time for kids and teens. Not only for the sake of our children, but for the greater good of society.
Standing Up for My Sons & Their Friends
So, why aren’t Christian parents saying no to the screen based childhood? I have some theories, and while I continue to research those, I felt called, equipped and encouraged to boldly say that smartphones and social media aren’t for kids. I believe this is my “for such a time as this” moment.
Knowing that being countercultural is always hard, I started by asking my friends to join me. Because, really, my oldest is in middle school. I don’t have the luxury of waiting around for somebody else to sound the alarm, blow the trumpet or rally the troops. If I’m serious about saying no to my kids, and I am, I want the support and encouragement of the families we surround ourselves with. I also desire, deeply, to see the lives of my sons’ friends not be damaged by the dangers of age-inappropriate screen time and access.
Over a period of a few weeks, I slowly began sending my friends podcasts or articles about smartphones and social media, letting them know my husband and I won’t be giving these things to our kids and asking them if they’d consider the same for their sons and daughters. I was shocked at the results! Three dozen of my friends said, “Absolutely!” Turns out none of us really wanted to give smartphones to our kids. Then, other parents starting coming to me asking about data, resources and research. Out of that, Dear Christian Parent was born. I’m doing my best to educate parents on why these devices and forms of media are so damaging to our kids and teens. I want the Church, Christian families across our country, to have the resources and the resolve to say no to smartphones and social media for kids. I believe God has called us to influence culture. I believe we can change the cultural tide.
My husband and I aren’t the only Christian parents spreading this message. To my dear, sweet Christian Parents, the internet isn’t a playground for children. It’s time we boldly say so, without fear. Will you join me?