FAQ: Saying No to Smartphones for Teens
Want to build a community a like-minded families who are saying no to smartphones for teenagers? Here's how I did it.
At this point, the data is irrefutable: A smartphone in the hand of a teenager is a bad idea. Recently,
, remarked at a Lighthouse voices event that he won’t give his now preschool aged kids a phone until they are at least 16. (I hope he means “dumb phone” not a smartphone!) Arlene Pellicane talks openly about being the dinosaur home and raising her high school and college aged kids without smartphones. of HGTV fame has started an entire movement calling on parents to build community around a play-based childhood, not screens. has been talking about this for about a decade and has successfully raised three of her four kids to adulthood without smartphones or social media. Erin Loechner is calling for parents to lead by example, opt-out of the always online life, and put technology in its proper place.What I’ve seen over the years is that a lot of parents say they don’t want to give their kids smartphones and social media, but after days, weeks, months and years of kids begging, parents raise the white flag and hand over the iPhone.
My husband and I are fully committed to not buying our smartphones for our sons, but building community around this was really important to me. I asked dozens of other parents to join me and 75% of them agreed to delay smartphones and social media until at least age 18. I have smart friends and along the way, they were asking really good questions. I wanted to provide some of their questions & my answers so that you can build a similar community for your family, based upon research and data.
FAQ
Does this mean I can never give my teen a phone?
No! This means you are not going to give your child/teen a smartphone (ie - internet connected phone like an iPhone, Android, etc.) Non-internet phones used for talking and texting aren’t shown to be as dangerous or addictive as smartphones. I highly recommend against a phone that can send & receive pictures. (I also recommend against tablets and iPads due to recent mental health research.)Why are you doing this?
I’ve been working in this field since 2018 and have seen that many Christian parents are trying to be thoughtful and well intentioned when it comes to screen time for their kids. But as our kids enter adolescence, we easily fall victim to the cries of “everyone has one but me.” The more I’ve learned, the more I’ve seen how damaging giving a child or teenager a smartphone can be. Even from Christians, there is a lot of well intentioned, but bad advice being given to parents. We can delay smartphones and social media until our kids are adults and in the process teach them more about what human flourishing looks like.My pastor’s kids have smartphones and seem fine. Aren’t you overreacting?
No, I’m not. Rates of anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts are dramatically on the rise for teenagers. I’ve spoken with a lot of pastors who regret giving a smartphone to their teenager. Not once have I ever had a parent of older kids tell me they wish they had given their child a smartphone earlier. Instead, they tell me to wait as long as I can. Even teenagers say they are happier when they are not with their smartphones.
Do you have any resources on where I can find a non-smartphone?
Yes! I recommend for 4th - 10th grade getting an old-school landline. The monthly cost of a landline is typically $10-20 a month and can be shared by all family members. This is a great option for building community! It’s worked wonders for us. For older (driving) teens, a talk/text only phone is a good option. T-Mobile sells a non-internet phone for $96. It’s not always on display, but is available in stores if you ask. Verizon sells a similar option. A very paired down phone without an internet browser or other distracting apps is the Wisephone. (Promo code DCP25 will give you $25 off.)
But smartphones and social media are everywhere. Don’t I need to teach my teenagers how to use it?
Smartphones are ubiquitous but they do not require special skills or prolonged exposure to learn how to use them. A high school graduate will have no trouble figuring out how to swipe and click on their own. We can reject the cultural narrative that extended exposure to harmful content is how we best train our children for a life of holiness.
Seems to me that this could create a good parent/bad parent mentality and unnecessary division among my friend group.
God has ordained the traditional family as the primary means to raise children and not every family will make the same choices when it comes to digital media. Ultimately, this call to action is a desire to build community for families who want it, not to isolate or shame anyone who may choose otherwise.
What about smart watches, tablets, video games, AI and television?
As with all parenting decisions before each family, I hope you will prayerfullyconsider these things before bringing them into your home. Do a lot of research along the way! Things to consider: Is there an analog way to accomplish this? Am I ready for my child to see pornography? Will time spent with this technology be fondly remembered by my child in years to come? Will this device simplify our busy life and increase meaningful connections with friends and family? Does this form of digital media/technology cause more quarrels or more peace in our home? How is my child’s prayer life? Do they seek God, or seek distraction, in times of struggle? No matter your choice, talk with your children about these things and stay informed! Ultimately, the hope is that by intentionally limiting device use, children and families will be spending more time with each other, with God and with His creation. Managing digital media is a lot of work for parents. I’ve found keeping things simple is best.
What about music? My teen wants a smartphone so they can listen to music.
Consider a CD player instead. I once heard a family counselor say that music is meant to be a communal, not individual, experience. As I tell my sons, what we watch, read, and hear affects us. A child clamoring for headphones is a great opportunity for conversations about media choices.What about parental controls? Can’t I just use those?
Does YouTube Kids have the same family values that you have? How about Netflix? Instagram? Meta? Google? What is being “controlled” is just as important as how it’s being controlled. “Parental Controls” were created by companies to give parents a false sense of security. A January 2024 Congressional Hearing laid out myriad ways that parental controls are failing our kids. Instead, choose to not fall prey to false advertising and the allure of “parental controls.” A motivated teen will quickly figure out how to get around parental controls.How do you define “social media”?
Websites or apps that allow for sending, creating or interacting with messages, pictures and other content with other internet-connected users. Yes, YouTube is social media.What if I’ve already given my child a smartphone & he/she wants to keep it?
Kids have opinions, parents get votes. Explain to your son or daughter that you’ve learned more about the harms of smartphones for kids & teens and you need to make some shifts. The data about how bad smartphones are for kids and teens is out there. They will see the research sooner than later. Talk with your sons and daughters about the research, explain to them that because you love them, you need to course correct. Tell them that even Congress is working to push for stricter laws, but in the mean time you’re making a decision for the best interest of your family.
A disclaimer: If removing your child’s smartphone makes you nervous and you are worried about how they will respond, I highly recommend Dr. Victoria Dunckley’s book “Reset Your Child’s Brain.” She outlines a safety plan that some families will need to put into place for a son or daughter that is addicted to smartphones and/or social media. Additionally, ScreenStrong.org is full of great resources and support.
The Institute for Family Studies (IFS) Executive Director Michael Toscano and Ethics & Public Policy Center’s
wrote, “We strongly advise parents, individually and as groups, to resist providing their kids a smartphone or tablet. Given how unsafe these devices are, they should be avoided and delayed until as close to adulthood as possible.”Dear Christian Parent, imagine if the Church becomes the place that even non-believing moms and dads go to find a community of teenagers without smartphones and social media? That is a vision of the future that should excite us! Let’s be leaders in this field. We know that God has created us on purpose and for a purpose. Experiencing the fullness of what he has called us to is a privilege we shouldn’t take lightly. Culture needs to change, shouldn’t followers of Jesus be leading the charge?
If you’ve adopted this plan with your friends, please message me. I’d love to provide encouragement and hear how it’s going!
Smartphones aren’t required for the teen years. Here’s 10 reasons why we should be raising kids differently in this digital age. Some of them might surprise you.
My parents were staunchly no phone when I first hit high school. Shortly after my mom dealt with severe medical issues for 4+ years which in turn made it "necessary" for me to have a phone for communication sake as there were a lot of moving parts. I wasn't supposed to have one till I was 18, instead I had one at 13. Filters and settings are easy to work around. Nearly 11 years later I've gotten rid of my smartphone have taken up a dumb phone. It is truly freeing. My fiancee is on board too which is great because when kids come around in the future we know we want to be as tech free as possible. Happy to come across another substack with this focus.
Excellent work! I love reading your blog. The longer we can wait to give smartphones to kids, the better.
That being said, I don't think the Sapien Labs study provides evidence to put a blanket recommendation against tablets. That study combines tablets and smartphones into a single category. From Haidt's research, we can get a bit closer to root cause: Smartphones enabled a 24/7 social-media lifestyle, and it is this lifestyle that has been highly damaging for mental health.
I think that high quality educational content on tablets, the order of two hours per week can be beneficial for some kids.
JAMA Pediatrics issued guidelines on tablets and young children, which is discussed here: https://www.afterbabel.com/p/what-actually-matters-kids-screens