Dear Christian Youth Pastor
Training teenagers to live a godly life has always been important work, even the fun parts like playing Chubby-Bunny. But in our digital media on demand culture, you need to provide more clarity.
Dear Youth Leader,
You are in the thick of it. Teaching teenagers about Jesus has always been hard but in today’s culture, there is so much competing for teens’ time and attention that your ability to have any impact is constantly under attack. At best, you get to preach to teenagers for 40-60 minutes a week. At worst, you get a couple of sentences in as the kids daydream, whisper to their neighbor, or scroll their phone while you are speaking. The distractions are plentiful, but you know that the important work isn’t only the preaching; it’s also the time you spend building relationships with the students. Knowing which middle school aged boy can eat a bag of marshmallows the fastest without puking or talking with a group of girls about their weekend plans before worship begins is vital to your ministry. Demonstrating to students that life can be joyful, simple, and innocent is an important part of your job.
But as John Seel (John’s Substack) writes, today’s teens are growing up in a culture that is more and more hostile toward Christians. Books like
’s Life in the Negative World: Confronting Challenges in an Anti-Christian Culture are probably on your bookshelf. You desire, I hope, to come alongside parents to train and equip today’s teens to live a godly life. You know that very little in our culture is aligned with this mission, so it’s time to stop pretending like the battle isn’t raging in the mundane parts of our everyday lives.
Youth Leader, please know that as a teenager, I LOVED youth group! If my church was hosting an event, I was there early and I was staying late. I can still recollect moments of worship and singing “Isaiah 43” in rounds. I have a special place in my heart for you and your ministry, but as a mom who works on educating adults and students on the dangers of digital media, I have a few requests:
Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2
Please, do us all a favor and stop using social media to communicate with students. I know “that’s where they all hangout” and you are trying to “reach” them but here’s the reality: If a 14 year old girl gets on social media to see whether Wednesday night’s theme is “dress as your favorite book character” or “cupcake speed decorating” she’s also spending another 10, 20, 60, 150 minutes scrolling Instagram and being pulled into its algorithm full of sexually explicit photos, information on eating disorders, self-harm, and more. Even at its most innocent, she’s seeing pictures of her friends doing fun things without her. As a former teenage girl myself, I will tell you this is leading to feelings of jealousy and fears of not being “cool enough”. Instagram is not a place teenagers go to experience the joy of the Lord. Yes, I know, the kids are on social media so you feel the need to hang out there and promote your youth group. If you aren’t there putting out good stuff, who will? Here’s the thing though, Jesus spread his message at the speed of a colt. He didn’t come to earth after the printing press or the internet, so why do we think the best way to reach people is through shares, likes & retweets? Why do we think that using a platform owned by people who are openly hostile to our beliefs is the best way to spread our calendar updates? Being efficient isn’t synonymous with being good. Don’t be the reason a teenager opens a social media account. Be the reason they are compelled to walk away from one. The number of adult women who tell me they want to get rid of social media “but can’t” because that’s how they follow what’s happening in their church or their kids’ school is bananas. If adult women are struggling to walk away from something bad for them, let’s assume teenage girls are struggling even more.
Please, do not think that developing a discipleship relationship with a teenage boy means playing Fortnite. Consider this from
, “In Fortnite everyone is the enemy, there are no friends, and the killing is frenetic and random.” These are not the attributes we need in the next generation of male leaders in the church. I’m not against competition, in fact, I’m very much for it. We live in a world full of battles between good and evil. We need to train our boys for the type of spiritual combat that has existed since Adam stood idly by as Eve took the first bite of fruit. We need to train young men for reality, including the reality of the unseen. Sitting idle in the basement, moving thumbs and fingers while wearing a headset connected to a large LCD screen and killing the avatars of friends who are in their own basements doing the same thing isn’t just fun and games. Instead, let’s train teenage boys to fight battles like Aslan taught Peter and Edmond. Let’s teach them bravery, compassion, and the difference between right and wrong. Let’s teach them to be rescuers and servants. I think youth group games are great, but playing tug-of-war and playing Fortnite are not the same thing. In-person group play teaches teens how to win and loose as a team, discover creative solutions, physically use the bodies God gave them, and it teaches them self-control and restraint. If a 14 year old plays tug-of-war and his team wins he doesn’t then pull out a gun and kill his competitors, á la video games. He sees the forlorn looks on the loosers’ faces and encourages them with a “Good game. You guys put up quite a fight! Better luck next time!” This is to say nothing of the amount of sexually explicit content on video games. Talking to teen boys about chastity on Sunday morning after playing Fortnite on Saturday night with scantily clad AI generated women who are anything but the image of Biblical femininity is sending teens a dangerous mixed message. Don’t be complicit in this. As John Eldridge writes, “Rescuing the human heart is the hardest mission in the world.” Be honest and hold a firm line.Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Proverbs 4:22
Please, stop allowing phones in church and in youth group. In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis likens a church service to a war time secret intelligence meeting. Why are we letting the troops not pay attention??? The information you are communicating is literally about the saving work of Jesus Christ to transform the hearts and souls of our young people. This is serious stuff. Church ought to be a time of holy reverence. J.I. Packer writes, “If the work that Christ did matters to the church, the work that the Spirit does must matter also.” Give teenagers a chance to hear from the Holy Spirit. There are very few times in life where phones, and all the distractions they bring, are banned from teenagers. I have heard pastors say that if they tell kids no to phones during youth group, none of the kids will come. If you believe that, then you know the idolatry of phones is greater than the reverence given to God Almighty. So, do the right thing anyway. Be the example. Declare that youth group and church are about the Creator of the universe, not about personal entertainment. If your teenagers are using the Bible app on their phone, message me and I will personally buy them a paper Bible instead. (I mean it!) I had a teenager tell me that it is hard to stay focused during Sunday school because even the kids that use the Bible app on their phone end up checking TikTok. This is distracting. Adults, have you ever sat next to someone on an airplane who is using their phone and find your eyes constantly drifting to the device? Yeah, me too. Now imagine being 15 years old on a Sunday morning and tell me how successful you would be in keeping your eyes and heart focussed. If you are afraid that banning phones during your gathering time will cause teenagers to not come, then can I suggest you’re more interested in the crowd size than you ought to be? I say this in sisterly love, truly, I do. Go read Galatians 2. Peter was acting one way toward the Jews and another way toward the Gentiles. He wasn’t living a life of integrity and Paul calls him out on it. Peter literally walked on water with Jesus; if he can fall victim to wanting to please others more than Jesus, let’s not kid ourselves that we aren’t capable of the same sin.
Please, be honest with parents about the dangers of digital media for teenagers. Parents are looking to youth leaders for guidance and spiritual leadership when it comes to raising kids in this crazy world. Do not lie to them and say that teenagers must have smartphones and learn to “safely use them”. Do your research on the teen mental health crisis and share the data with parents. If there is a student in your youth group who is struggling with video game, social media or smartphone addiction, talk with the parents. Read Tony Reinke’s God, Technology, and the Christian Life. Read [Un]Intential by
or The Anxious Generation by Jon Haidt. Read 1 & 2 Kings and observe how quickly and easily the Israelites fell into patterns of sin because they were acting like the cultures around them. It is not required that teenagers have smartphones, video games or social media. It is okay to tell students and parents that these things are not good.
Dear Christian Youth Leader, I’m not saying go start a colony akin to the Amish, I’m saying be purposeful. Stop telling baby Christians who are still drinking milk that they need to be actively engaged in the biggest battle of our digital age. Let them grow and mature without the distractions because the real battle, the spiritual battle, is coming for them. Don't loose heart. We know the final outcome. We serve the God who ultimately wins. Imagine if your youth group becomes the place that is more authentic, more life giving, more honest, and more trustworthy than any other corner of society. Jesus was constantly being kind and compassionate while speaking hard truths to his listeners. He didn’t “water down the gospel”, he was the gospel in all of its hard, and all of its good, and all of its holy. This next generation, they need to know that type of clarity. The harvest is plentiful, so let’s get to it.
Thank you so much for this, Emily. Every Christian youth leader needs to read and think and pray about what you've said here.
"Developing a discipleship relationship with a teenage boy should not mean playing Fortnite" - that is plainly true. However, and forgive me if this sounds harsher than I’m intending it: your assessment of Fortnite and the current state of games here is weak enough that not only will it fail to persuade, it may poison the well for the rest of what you’re trying to say.